My Treasured Memory.

I was looking for a muse
when I found you.
You grabbed my hand,
and led me down the beach,
where open minds led to open hearts.

My hand in yours,
it felt so right.
Never wanting to let go.
Wishing those hugs
would last forever.
But time passed
all too fast.

You drove me home,
I wanted to tell you
that I didn't want
to get out of your car,
to let you drive away without me.
I didn't want it to end,
But I didn't have a choice.

I took your goodbye kiss
as I got out.
And I never will forget that day.
The colors may fade
but the memory never will.

Not Your Rag Doll

I'm tired of being played with.
I'm not a toy
that you can use
to amuse yourself
when it suits you,
and can abandon
when you're done.

You can't just leave me
sitting on a shelf,
waiting for you.

You can't break me,
tear out my stuffing,
and then toss me out,
and buy a replacement.

I'm not your toy,
your plaything.
I'm no rag doll.

_________________________________________

This was more what I was attempting to say with the previous post.

Please Leave.

I looked to you for hope.
I tried to trust you
but it was all a waste
of time and effort.

You don't really care.
You're just waiting
for something better
to come along.

You laugh at me,
you think I'm naive
and that I don't know
what you're doing.
I do know.

I'm tired of wasting time
with you.
I'm looking for more
than you are capable of giving.
I need a change,
and that means leaving you behind.

Finding Grace

Soft notes meet my ears,
they provide a rhythm
of sweet melody as
you take my hand in yours.
You lead me.
The other hand grasps your shoulder
as you steer me left, right, left.
We glide across the floor
with a grace so flawless,
it's indescribable.
A smile spreads across my face,
I feel beautiful because
I finally found grace.

Disappearing Act.

I waved good-bye
as you pulled out of the driveway.
Off to start a new life.
College life.
You promised we'd keep in touch.
We did. We do.
But slowly you've changed.
Some good, others not.
I'm afraid that college life
will change you,
too much.
I loved you,
the way you were,
and I don't want that person
to disappear.

Painting.

You don't find happiness, you create it, it's like painting a picture; some people are just better painters.

Different Perspectives

Perspective is mainly defined as a "point of view". Although there are various definitions, this is the most common and broad. There are numerous points of view on every topic that exists. This is why society is so diverse. Various perspectives are seen in religion, politics, art, and everything else. Differences in religious perspectives have caused wars in countries, caused people to be crucified because their beliefs or perspective is different than the ruling power. Differences in political perspectives allows for multiple parties to exist, which in turn keeps the government in check. Art has countless perspectives because there is the perspective of the artist and a different perspective for every person that sees the piece of work. Innumerable perspectives can be found everywhere. They are the very reason for diversity.

A person's perspective defines them as a person; the opposite is also true. Who a person is and their environment and background define their perspective. Fireworks, for example, can be viewed as many things. A chemistry teacher sees fireworks as a chain of chemical reactions from start to finish. The chemistry teacher observes a different element burning depending on the color of the firework knowing that potassium creates a purple light when burned, or aluminum, titanium, and magnesium are all used to create a white light. A doctor or paramedic may dislike fireworks because they have been confronted with various injuries from the misuse of fireworks. An artist sees fireworks as a way of expressing a feeling in a medium of their choice, whether it be paint, pastels, or even photographs. A war veteran may have a very different perspective altogether. The war veteran sees a symbol of celebration of freedom that they have worked hard to secure. The veteran sees a celebration of lives of those who lost theirs serving their country to maintain freedom. The average person finds fireworks as a way to bond with family and feel patriotic on Independence Day. A person’s life and experiences mold their perspectives.

Perspective is a way of finding diversity in all walks of life. Whether it be religion or politics to a chemistry teach or a war veteran, varying perspectives exist. Society would be flat and uninteresting if everyone had the same perspective. Who we are defines our perspective and how we relate to others. Difference in perspective is what makes the world go round.



This was my admissions essay for BW.

Madness versus Sanity

Sitting in a room,
in a house,
haven't been out in days,
nothing exsists
to pass the time,
except madness.
Pure madness
engulfs the inner
being.

The lion roars,
the child cries.

Moments pass,
not sure where they went.
I didn't see them walk away.
They evaporated.

It's everywhere.
Everywhere.
Make it stop.
Please.

Madness ensues.
The beasts inside
want out.

Twitch.
A lion.
Twitch.
A Child.

Sanity is forced.
Holding the beastly madness
back, to the inside.
Sanity is struggling
to maintain power.

Pieces

There I am,
standing in the middle
of this room,
completely empty,
and dark.
No light shines in,
there are no windows.
I stand there,
in the center.
I look around,
all I see is emptiness.
Until I look down,
and for a moment
I have hope,
a mere glimmer of hope
that I may not be alone.
I bend down
and pick up a small piece
of what's scattered about.
I look at it,
it's full of colors,
full of happiness.
I put it back,
and pick up another.
This one isn't so pretty,
very dark and dismal.
All these pieces,
they represent something.
Pieces of my life, pieces of memories.

In a Land of Fear

I went looking for something
I could not find
I kept on searching
with it in mind

Over there,
perhaps here,
but never it did appear.
But on I looked ever still,
exploring lands of perfect fear.

Until one day,
I came across,
A place where cheer
was the cost.

But there I found it.
Yes, it was there,
in a land that held
my most precious fear.

A Metaphor of Epic Proportions and a Recent Thought or Two.

A metaphor of epic proportions.

Everyone's heard the little cheesy saying, "All the world's the stage..." Well, I've been thinking about that phrase, and I think it's true. The world is a stage, and we're all just actors in it. We each get our own character, and background story. We each get our moment to shine, our own "spotlight" at some point. Some people are better actors than others, some struggle to memorize lines, just as some people struggle to survive in life. Something I've realized recently, mostly because of the end of another school year, the end of the year, like the end of the run of a show, is sad, but it's never too sad, because you're not really saying "goodbye", it's more of "until next show" or in school, "until next fall". Doing multiple shows, you're position, or character is constantly changing, just like you must as you grow up. You grow and change. You meet new people in each phase of life, just like you meet new people during your next show. Yes, some of the people are the same, but there's always someone you don't know. There are so many different ways I can relate theatre to "life".

A recent thought or two.

A wise friend once told me "sometimes you have to let go of the things you love." I've been trying to wrap my mind around this concept. It doesn't seem to logically make sense. If you love something, why would you let it go? I mean, I guess somethings you have to, you're forced to, but why would you willingly give up something you love? Her response would have been "... to let it grow, and be what it is" or something along those lines. And she's probably right. I guess it's one of those really hard things in life that you don't really want to do but know you must. I'm having a really hard time letting go of a few things, I'm trying really hard to though. A recent event (for lack of a better word) has made me see that I really do need to let go, I need to, but a part of me still doesn't want to. It's a horrible dilemma. Knowing you need to do something, but not wanting to, or not being able to. I guess part of me thinks that letting go is losing the little bit of it that I still have, and I don't want to lose it. When you cherish something so much it takes a lot of work to let it go. But I'm going to try. I'm determined to put forth an effort and be strong enough to let go. Hopefully things will work out for the best. And even if they don't, that's okay, too. I'm just going to keep asking God to guide me along my "journey".

Mr. Young's class

I sit in this class,
I'm auditing, I'm not enrolled,
it's a class I've taken,
and passed.
These freshmen,
they make me wonder,
was I like this as freshmen?
I don't think so.
There is such a variety of students here.
The ones who genuinely try,
the ones who do the work just to pass,
the ones who don't care at all,
and in fact, are failing.
It makes me wonder about the differences,
why am I so inclined to succeed
when others are okay with failure.
What made this difference?
Is it the teacher?
The parent?
I think it starts before high school,
it must.
I've always been a hard worker,
with the need for success.
A drive for success is key.
I think it falls on the parent.
Not always, but typically.
There are always exceptions,
but generally speaking,
I think it's the parents.
They need to have high expectations,
especially if they want to see success.
Higher expectations leads to
higher success.
And vice versa.

Candid Smiles.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words,
it captures the moments, the people, everything.
We look just to see the captured moment.
Sometime it's even better than the real thing.
I like the candid shots.
I like to see the real smile, unforced and so natural.
It brings a smile to my face,
the memories flood back in my mind.
Looking at you in these pictures,
you look wonderful,
so happy.
It makes me smile when I look at them.
Takes away any bad feeling I may be having,
and replaces it with something so much better.
Even if I can't be there for the real smiles,
I can look at these,
feeling the happiness brought by your smile.

Dear Friend,

It seems as if you forget about me a little more each day. I'd say it seems that you care about me a little less each day, but I know that's not true. You still care, you're just busy, and there are other "things" in your life right now. So the only word that seems to fit is "forget", we don't talk as much as we use to or about what we use to. Part of me is afraid that you got bored with only ever hearing about my feelings, and I'm sorry if that's the case, but I thank you with all my heart for being there. I also have been trying to stop nagging you about certain "things". Without talking about my feelings or other "things", there isn't much left, and that makes me sad. We use to be able to talk for hours, about anything and everything. Something changed and I don't like it. I know these "things" distract you, and that I have no right to think that I should be your center of attention, but I was, sorta, for a little while, and that was nice, I don't get to be the center of attention often, nor do I wish to be, but it was nice. These "things" make me cringe when I think about them and how they affect you. It makes me incredibly sad. You don't realize how much it affects me, too. But I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find happiness in the paths you're choosing. I hope things between us will restore to the normalcy that I've grown to cherish. Thanks for all that you've done for me.

Sincerely yours,
Me

Infinite Directions

There are just too many thoughts and feelings running through my veins. The thoughts in my brain make my head spin. It feels as if I'm about to explode with emotions and thoughts are just going to leak out from my brain through my ears. Such a variety of emotions, too, all for different reasons. I want to get them all out. I can't though because as soon as I start thinking about one, another interjects and I loose my place and have to start over. I just can't get them organized. They're everywhere. There's one over there and another over here. This one fits in this category, and these two don't have categories at all. It makes me so confused. I feel hopelessly lost. My brain is like an intersection of an infinite number of streets going in infinite number of directions, and all have infinite number of paths connecting to each other. I'm just stuck in the middle trying to make a decision as to which way to go in this infinte place.

Attention Deficit

Protective. Jealousy.
Two words that describe my feelings,
intertwined under my surface.
It's all because
she steals the attention
that I attempt to gain,
but you never seem to see
how i long for it.
And just as it is in reach,
she snatches it,
and in a moments notice,
it's gone,
as if it never existed.
Then I feel hurt,
and I shut down,
you think it's from stress,
but I know the real reason.
Couldn't you give me
just a little attention?

My poetry has been lacking lately, I just haven't had any real inspirtation.. this one just seems to be a collaboration of thoughts...

Disappearing Act

All she wanted,
was to disappear
so she packed her bags,
and drove here.
She went on running,
just to get away,
even though part of her wanted to stay.
Through all their fear,
they hoped and prayed
that she had stayed.
So they kept on looking,
searching the streets,
but they never find her,
because she succeeded.
She disappeared.

I admit, this isn't my best piece of work, but I needed to write. Most of my other stuff is better. I'm not sure if I was saying that more to convince your or to convince myself.

Inspiration, or lack thereof.

I keep searching,
but it eludes me;
there's nothing there.
I want to write,
to have words flow from me
like water from a cupped hand.
But those words,
they never come.
They leave me empty,
they leave me desirous.
I keep searching for words
that aren't meant to be found.

I want to be inspired.
Perhaps lack of inspiration
is inspiration in itself.

A reminder from God.

I saw the most beautiful sunset today. I didn't get to actually watch it, only a passing glance. I was on my way home from my dad's house, and I looked up. It was amazing. The most beautiful shades of violet fading into indigo and blue as they stretched toward the sky. Then some very magnificent oranges and yellows as my eyes came back toward the sun. I then passed a park, which allowed me to see the lake. It was all so stunning. The way the sun brought out the beautiful blues in the lake was absolutely amazing. The lake was so calm and peaceful. I couldn't turn my eyes away. It was a wonderful gift from God. A reminder to me that no matter how bad my day was, he's always there for me.

lately...

I've been thinking.. a lot. It's made me realize some things, it's made me learn new things about myself as a person. I've realized what in my life has made me the way I am, what things have caused me to have issues, such as my lack of trust in everyone. But even though I've learned a lot and thought a lot, there doesn't seem to be much for me to say. Most of the time I still feel pretty lost, but I'm being a lot more accepting of it. I'm starting to realize that eventually I'll figure stuff out, and even if I don't, that's okay, too.

"...it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."

Sunday Secret: Clumsy

www.postsecret.com

PostSecret: Star Trek

www.postsecret.com

Light

Whilst everything is dark,
I see but one light,
It comes to me,
so subtle in it's way.
Gently it floats in the air,
as if a present from thy God.
It draws near.
Dost thou see it?
That gentle light that dost shine?
Or is thy light simply in mine own eye?
I reach out.
Just as mine finger does touch it,
it's gone.
Me thinks it was splendid,
like a present presented from another,
to thine heart.
But like a present given in haste
it so quickly disappears.

Sunday Secret- FedEx

Check out more on www.postsecret.com

"A Heartbeat skip, relationship..."

"A heartbeat skip, relationship
Inside a bubble bath
An icing drip below your lip
So we undo the math
A sudden slip between
My pathetic sedatives
A real-life script of how
Mistakes became our medicine, so
Delay the hurtful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message that I`m
Picking up my chin at last
I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we pray from miles away
In quest for what we long to be
I might crumble, I might take a fall again(Still missing you)...
Everlasting friend
A heartbeat skip, relationship
So we would stay up late
A teardrop drip below your lip
Beside the airport gate
A sudden slip from where
We used to be a year ago
A real-life script of how
Our hands would hold and not let go
But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last
But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be, but
I might crumble, I might take a fall again(Still missing you)
But you're my everlasting friend
Will you be coming home?(Everlasting friend)...
My everlasting friend, will you be coming home?
I just want to know that you'll be coming home..."

Everlasting Friend by Blue October

PostSecret

I've decided that each sunday I'm going to choose one new secret from the PostSecret website (http://www.postsecret.com/) and post it. (I tried posting this yesterday but my dial-up wouldn't let me upload the picture)

An Answer.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Maybe not a direct answer, but it helps.

Why...

do I feel like this?

Wilting Roses and Broken Hearts

A rose,
so beautiful in it's whole,
slowly wilts.
Petals fall,
one by one,
until there is but a stem,
and how terribly devastating it is,
such a sight of lost beauty,
but symbolizes a greater entity.
One loves with all their heart,
only to fall victim to the pain
when it vanishes ever so quickly.
The pieces of their shattered heart
fall one by one
as the petals of the ever beautiful rose.
Piece by piece,
it falls a part,
until there is nothing left.
Just an empty void,
waiting to be refilled.

A Mere Name.

A name
is all it takes
to make a heart skip a beat.
A name
is all it takes
to make a heart beat wildly.
A name
is all it takes
to provoke emotions.
Happiness. Sadness.
Jealousy. Compassion.
All controlled by a name.
The mere utterance of a name
can cause pain and suffering,
or delight and laughter.
Everyone has their own.
Everyone has someone
whose name
makes them feel
all of these emotions
and feelings,
all at once,
or at different times.
Either way,
everyone has a name.

You Were Right

We use to be so close,
you made me strong,
and then you left
because I wrong,
we started to fight,
and you were right,
we could never be,
just because
you are you and I am me.

Cell Phone Photos

These are all pictures from my cell phone. They're not the best quality but they're pretty amusing, and pretty much sum up my life. [These are not in the order in which they were taken.]
Tom at the Great Lakes Mideveal Faire.

The Huge Steve and Caity Pizza. =)

I painted this because I was tired of painting. Picnic.

This is a very blurry picture of Paul after I ran around him in circles with the left over pink fabric from Seussical. I tried to tie down his arms but he moved.

Kelly and I after we qualified for state our sophmore year.

My English text book from sophmore year.

The Fail egg. Because we all need a little fail in our lives.

Chicago Pizza

A couple of my friends looking emo.

My newphew. This picture's old. I miss him. He lives in Vegas now.

Walking Down the Halls

Everyday seems the same.
Walking down the halls,
full of people,
passing many
some I know, many I don't,
even the ones I know,
don't pay much notice,
consumed in their own lives,
part of their little cliques.
But I just keep walking down the halls.
I go to my classes,
and sit there in silence,
except to give an occasional answer.
The bell rings out
(it always reminds me of an elevator)
and I gather my stuff,
and head into the masses,
back into the hall I am,
surrounded by so many.

I'm surrounded by all these people,
yet I still feel all alone.
I can't wait to escape this place.
I can't wait to be free.

These are the thoughts I have,
as I'm walking down the halls.

Moonlit Waters

One step, two steps, three steps,
it's barely to my knees,
a couple more
maybe three, maybe four.
It hits me at my waist.
I walk a few steps further,
the waves knocking up against my chest.
They grab at my clothes
and pull away before returning
with another chilling hug,
which is oddly warming.

The moon shines down
like a watchful eye protecting me.
I can see it's reflection in the small waves;
it brings me a slight comfort.

As my clothes absorb
so much more of my surroundings,
I feel them pull at me.
A little heavier they become
and keep pulling me down
slowly, inch by inch
until the whole of my body
is completely encased
by the glimmering water;
so I close my eyes
and let this marvelous liquid
fill me up.
My lungs absorb it
like a sponge
until they can take no more.
After that I cannot say.
The moon's reflection was the last I saw
before pure blackness dominated
first my eyes
and then my mind.

Beautiful Destruction

Look at the beauty of it's dance;
It's vibrant color flickers with passion
as it consumes everything it touches.
It dances blissfully across the floor,
and up the wall,
and onto the ceiling
until there is nothing left for it.
It produces the hottest of heats,
melting and scorching everything in reach.
It burns and it burns until everything is gone.
Everything is gone.
It's beautiful destruction.